


What could have been

by CrystalWaters72



Category: Gilmore Girls
Genre: F/M, Letters, No Proofreading We Die Like Men, Post-Season/Series 03, also this is probably ooc but that's okay because i did it to make myself cry, okay first of all i expected this to be a lot longer but guess what? didn't happen, there's not really any other tags to add tbh post season 3 and letters is pretty much it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-23
Updated: 2019-07-23
Packaged: 2020-07-11 17:42:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19931956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrystalWaters72/pseuds/CrystalWaters72
Summary: Rory's back after her summer away from Stars Hollow.Jess is not.





	What could have been

Rory wasn’t expecting the letter.

Honestly, she wasn’t expecting anything from him after the last phone call at her graduation.

But here she was, staring at an envelope. An envelope that spells out her name and address in handwriting she knows all too well.

When Lorelai handed her the envelope and asked who it was from, Rory said she didn’t know. But she did know. She knew and it made her chest hurt.

So now she was sitting on her bed, the door locked, staring at the paper in her hands.

The ache in her chest was almost enough to make her rip it in half and throw it away. Almost.

Hands shaking, mind painfully numb, she tore open the envelope. She blinked a few times before taking the letter out and unfolding it.

_Rory,_

_Honestly, I’m a little surprised that you didn’t burn this the second you saw it. Thanks for that._

Rory just barely cracked a smile.

_I’m sorry. Those words probably mean nothing to you with everything that happened, but I am. You were right; I didn’t handle things right. I was acting childish and immature. I was too stubborn to admit that I f*cked up and didn’t know how to fix it. I should’ve told you and I’m sorry for that._

_You know that I’m not that good with the whole verbal thing. I’m not using that as an excuse for not telling you anything. I had plenty of chances to talk to you about things. About any of the things that happened recently. I think I’m using it as an excuse for not saying anything on the phone, though. I probably am._

_...I already know this isn’t going to be nearly as poetic as your speech. This is sh*t so far. Add that to the list of disappointments you probably have, I guess. I don’t know. I know you have a lot on that list already._

Rory’s eyes stung.

_You said that you thought you might have loved me. As cheesy as this sounds, I’ve never felt the way I felt around you with any other girl. I don’t know if it was love, but it was something._

_Everyone has a list of ‘what could’ve been.’ So just add this to the list. Of what could have been._

_Goodbye, Rory._

_–Dodger_

She wasn’t sure why, but she was crying now. Her head was throbbing and she could hardly breathe.

Not entirely sure of what to do, Rory stumbled over to her desk and reached for a pencil.

-=+=-

His car smells faintly of cigarette smoke. There was a copy of _The Fountainhead_ in the passenger seat. Right. Of course he would’ve been trying to read it again. She should’ve known when he brought up Hemingway.

She takes the bookmark, replacing it with the envelope. She didn’t know where else to put it. It’s thin and small enough to not be noticeable.

The bookmark turns and turns in between her fingers. She pours the last drops of coffee down her throat and steps out of the car. She wasn’t going to let him have the last word.

The bookmark didn’t leave her hand until she knew it was safe in her copy of _Howl_.

(She thinks about her college experience so far as she lies awake that night. She thinks about different possibilities. She thinks about _what could have been, what could have been_. She sits up and grabs the notebook on her bedside table. She opens to a new page and writes what could have been.)

-=+=-

She starts dating the letters. She’s not entirely sure why. Maybe there isn’t a reason.

(She does know why.)

((There is a reason.))

-=+=-

There’s too many. They won’t fit in the book. They’re going to make the spine break.

It’s making her feel overwhelmed and she can’t breathe.

She stuffs them in the glove box.

(There are so many.)

((So f*cking many.))

-=+=-

Jess is back.

He only came for his car.

He won’t care about the letters.

He broke her heart. Of course she would want to avoid him. She just wants to avoid the pain of having to talk to him again.

The letters don’t matter.

Right?

-=+=-

He’s avoiding her. Running whenever they see each other.

(He knows about the letters.)

He’s starting to piss her off.

(He knows.)

She wants him to stop leaving. She’s not going to break just because her f*cking ex is f*cking back in town.

(He knows he knows he knows.)

It doesn’t matter if he’s read the letters. He’s going to leave and it won’t matter.

(And she doesn’t spend an extra two minutes in the bathroom before going out that night fixing her makeup. She doesn’t have to wipe away the running mascara and reapply it. She doesn’t have to pause and try not to start crying again.)

-=+=-

She runs.

Deep down, she knew Jess was going to follow her. But she ran anyway.

And he does.

And she has thought about this moment a lot. Too many times to count. Too many times than she would like to admit.

“I love you.”

She wasn’t prepared for that. Not at all.

-=+=-

(Jess is at a gas station when he stumbles upon the book in his glove box. He picks it up and a few envelopes fall out onto the many already under the book. They’re dated.

The first was barely a quarter of the way through the book. Where his bookmark used to be.

He opens it.

Somehow he isn’t surprised by the anger in Rory’s writing. It was expected. What wasn’t expected was that she even wrote a letter.

The amount of envelopes makes his chest hurt. But he reads them anyway.

A few are short.

‘ _F*ck you._ ’

‘ _What the f*ck were you thinking?_ ’

‘ _Come back._ ’

‘ _I miss you._ ’

‘ _I’m sorry_.’

‘ _I love you._ ’)


End file.
